


(To Be) No Longer (In Love With) Human(s)

by PandoraButler



Category: Durarara!!, 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: Crossover, bsd, bungo stray dogs - Freeform, izaya gets isekai-d, not canon bsd world, slightly canon bsd world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22422130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandoraButler/pseuds/PandoraButler
Summary: Izaya Orihara was struck with a vending machine and knocked unconscious. He wakes up in another world where people have unique abilities. "I hate them. I hate them. I hate them! These people aren't humans! They're monsters like Shizu-Chan!" is his initial response. But on further investigation he finds intriguing specimens and a newfound interest to bring the entire three-way mafia war to its knees. His first goal? The Armed Detective Agency.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 57





	1. Prologue

It was a typical day in Ikebukuro. He wandered the streets with a hop in his step wondering when the next fun human would strike. He'd had his fun with Mikado and Kida. Shizu-Chan was as annoying as ever. He stopped in his tracks to breathe in the fresh city air. His guard was down, and in that one moment, a vending machine hit him.

He crashed into the nearby wall, slamming his head pretty hard. "Shitty flea, did I get you this time?" The voice that could only belong to the strongest man. He tried to focus his sight but only the shadow of the man was visible. The more his eyes strained to work the less willing his body was to working. How many times had this happened before? Maybe once or twice. He usually noticed Shizu-Chan before Shizu-Chan noticed him. He cursed silently under his breathe and lost the ability to remain awake.

He was cold. He was dark. Falling into a black abyss. His hand reaching out to grab something that wasn't there. "I don't believe in God," he muttered, trying to reach the sky. "Is this my fate for not believing in Him?" he chuckled to himself. "I refuse to die." His eyes glowed with a fiery rage and a flash of light dispersed through the abyss. He closed his eyes and heard voices. The buzz of a city, not _his_ city.

He opened his eyes to see a world not too far off from his own. "This is different." He knew instantly. "This is... _filthy_ ," his face scrunched up in disgust. These humans weren't humans they were monsters. They had abilities. He could sense it. They weren't like Celty, no, they were completely human with abilities inhuman. "A world full of Shizu-Chan..."

He stood up and walked around. How was he going to compete with a bunch of people with powers? Martial arts wouldn't do the trick. That's when he saw _him._ He heard his voice before he turned his head. On the beach, a body lay. A male placed glasses on his face and smirked, "Ultra Deduction."

"Ha," Izaya couldn't hold back his laugh. "A human! He is a human! Completely and utterly _human_ in a world of fakes!" Izaya spun around in circles staring up at the sky. "That's not an ability. That's not supernatural! There is hope for me yet!"

With a skip in his step, he wandered the streets some more. It was time. Time to lay the groundwork for a new information network. These fakes would have their guard lowered thinking no one could see through their powers. But they misunderstood one thing: Izaya wasn't from this world. He knew all about them. And soon he would know that these _humans_ were just authors to their own disastrous fates.


	2. It's time to teach these monsters a lesson.

"Hello," Izaya opened the door and poked his head in. "I've come to request a certain job from this agency," he smiled and walked in. "Specifically one from Rampo Edogawa."

"Hm? From m-" Rampo turned his head and dropped the bag of candy in his hands. His eyes widened. Each member turned their heads. They hadn't seen him react like this before.

"Hello!~" Izaya walked towards him with a smile that wasn't inviting.

"You're..." Rampo pointed to him. Izaya grabbed his hand with both of his.

"Quite right. And you have a secret," Izaya leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "You don't have an ability, Rampo Edogawa."

"That's not true," he muttered, inaudible to the others. "The President told me..."

"Then," Izaya leaned in even closer. He placed his hand against the side of Rampo's head and pushed him closer still. His lips grazing against his ear. "Why hasn't anyone given you a straight answer? They're all liars, Rampo. But I'm telling you the absolute truth."

A small noise escaped Rampo's lips. It escalated turning into a loud scream. He'd already known, somewhere in his heart, since that incident with Poe, but he'd never been answered. Now his answer was here. The answer he didn't want. And he couldn't cope. Izaya continued his hideous smirk. And took a few steps back. Rampo held his head and sat on the ground. He was broken.

Izaya turned on his heel to face the man behind him. A serious expression. Wavy hair. A long tan coat. "Who are you?" he asked. "What have you done to Rampo-san?"

"My name," Izaya placed a hand on his chest, "is Izaya Orihara. I'm an information broker from a neighboring city. I haven't done a thing."

"Bullshit," his gaze fierce. Izaya could tell he wasn't like the others. This man had killed people in the past. The stench of human blood lingered on his presence.

"You're only asking me because you already know what I've done. Isn't that right? Dazai-kun."

"Who do you think you a-" an angry blonde took a step towards the two. Dazai raised his hand to stop him.

"What business do you have with the Armed Detective Agency?"

"I have a proposition. One I think you will be very interested in. Shall we find ourselves a more private location? Or do you want me to display your secrets too?"

"Follow me," Dazai turned to open an office room. The two walked in.

"Quite the place you've got here," Izaya whistled. He took a seat.

"State your business," Dazai sat opposite to him at the meeting table.

"The Guild, Port Mafia, Rats in the House of the Dead." Izaya folded his hands and leaned forward. "Do you know what they have in common?"

"You're connected to all of them?"

Izaya laughed. "Good guess. You really are an ex-mafia member." Dazai showed no signs of alarm. Spectacular. Izaya loved a fun game. "But the answer is this: I didn't go to any of them. I came here." Izaya tapped the table. "Do you know why? Because of him."

"Rampo-san?"

Izaya nodded. "Ram-Chan. I have an issue, you see? I hate abilities," Izaya sneered. "People here have become reliant on them. They've let their guards down focusing all of their attention on sheer power. It's filthy. And so, the basis of this agency, Rampo Edogawa, is why I'm here. To support you," he smiled. "Feel free not to trust me. Feel free to test me. But I'm always going to have a soft spot for this place and you can use that to your advantage."

"You want us to agree to use each other?"

"Think about it, Dazai-kun. You're the only one that ever has to get involved with me. If you're that concerned," he chuckled.

"How did you know?"

"Hm? Know what?"

"That I was ex-mafia?"

"Oh," Izaya placed his hands in his pockets. "Civilians wouldn't notice that I have a knife. A person that has killed has a habit of eyeing someone over for weapons. You don't seem like the military type so there was only one option: Port Mafia."

"Why the mafia?"

"Rats in the House of the Dead's leader is Fyodor-san. You two are cut from the same cloth and don't get along. I had someone like that," Izaya sneered, remembering Aoba's poor imitation of him. "The Guild is too money-oriented for you to have joined them. Mori-san was like your father, I imagine." Izaya reached behind his chair and pulled out a coat. He laid it out on the table. Dazai's eyes widened, the first ounce of genuine shock. Izaya was thrilled.

"I burned this," Dazai stood up and pointed. "How do you have this? Where were you even keeping such a thing?"

"No, Dazai-kun, you didn't burn it. You buried it. You buried it so deep within yourself and your memories. There was only one place it could've been..."

"You didn't..."

"Thank you for your time, Dazai-kun," Izaya stood up. He opened the door and left. Rampo, who hadn't moved from that spot on the floor, immediately stood up and grabbed Izaya's sleeve like a lost puppy. Izaya knelt down to grab the bag of candy. "Come along, Ram-Chan, we have things to do," he smiled and waved at everyone before exiting the building. Rampo following him every step of the way. Their prized possession was now completely and utterly useless. They had no choice but to hire the information broker with deduction skills of the same level.

"Ram-Chan," Izaya began as he opened a pocky box. "A smart man would keep his friends close and his enemies closer. An intelligent man would make his enemies fight each other and come out on top. But, a wise man throws all of his enemies a bone and uses each one without being used himself. Which type of man do you think I am?" Rampo remained silent. He was still in shock from the truth Izaya told.

"Quite right. None of the above!~ I'm simply in it for the game, and I do like winning the games I play," Izaya's eyes sparkled with amusement. "Mostly because no one understands the rules!~"


	3. An unexpected meeting with a fluffy hat monster.

"Ram-Chan, you're quite attached to me for reasons unknown," Izaya typed away on his laptop in the rundown apartment he'd managed to purchase. Luckily finding work around here was simple enough. Rampo hugged his waist munching on snacks and watching his fingers move. He still hadn't spoken a word since finding out the truth.

"I think we are going to get a visitor today," no sooner had he said that the door was kicked open. "My, my, you're here earlier than I expected, Fyodor-kun."

"I imagine you're 'Kanra'?" his dead eyes scanned the room. "This wasn't quite what I imagined."

"Oh? Is a rat judging my way of life?" Izaya continued typing. He hadn't looked up once. Rampo's eyes were closed but his face stared at Fyodor.

"Kanra, I suggest you stay out of this war," he took a step forward. His hands were in his pockets simply waiting for the right moment to strike.

"Funny, considering you're the one that caused the most damage recently. Nice touch, though, with that little leader tied to leader move. I would've done something similar under different circumstances," Izaya snickered. "Humans are so interesting, don't you think?"

"Humanity is wretched."

"Humanity _now_ is wretched."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean, Fyodor-kun. You hate this life of superpowers just as much as I do." Izaya looked up to stare him in the eyes. "Shall we form a partnership?"

"Are you trying to play both sides. I know you visited the Agency."

Izaya smirked. "I'm an information broker. I play _all_ sides. Does a farmer analyze all of the people that stop at his stands? Of course not. He simply sells his goods."

"How can I trust you won't withhold information or lie? You're new to this city."

"You don't trust anyone, Fyodor-kun, that's what makes you so good at what you do. You're going to cross-check my information with at least five other sources. Eventually, after enough times, you'll stop once I've checked out. I sell information. I don't lie. That would be bad for business."

"But you don't tell all of the truth, otherwise there wouldn't be anything to sell."

"Precisely."

"Tell me the abilities of everyone at the Agency."

"Fyodor-kun," Izaya stopped typing and rested his chin on his hand. "Why would I tell you information you haven't paid for? And information you know already too..."

"Why do you assume I know?"

"You purposefully got yourself caught and destroyed an entire ship just to get the file on the Armed Detective Agency members." Izaya shook his head in disappointment. "Are you testing me?"

"Then," Fydor pointed to Rampo. "Tell me his ability."

"You're testing me again," Izaya sighed. "Did you think I wouldn't tell you he didn't have one? Surprise, surprise, Fyodor-kun, that's a well-known secret. This boy has raw deduction talent. A real genius," Izaya patted Rampo on the head, to which the (now mute?) sleuth nuzzled his head against his hand.

"I think we will be seeing more of each other, Kanra," Fyodor turned on his heel and exited the room. The door closed behind him.

"Thank you for not killing me!~" Izaya called after him, before typing away. "The more people I meet in this city, the more I'm starting to miss my miserable Shizu-Chan," he sighed. "But I must admit this is getting more entertaining. Isn't that right, neko?" Izaya turned his head to see the cat in his window. He smiled, waved, and went back to business. "Tell the President and Dazai-kun I said hi, would you?" he asked, before moving an othello piece on a chessboard. He then moved a shogi piece and then a checkers one.

Rampo stopped hugging Izaya and instead rested his head on his thigh. He yawned and fell into a light sleep. "Ah," Izaya rubbed his head, "I really hope I don't see any vending machines here. Do they even have them? I might be blocking them out subconsciously. Damn those wretched things."

_IZAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAA-KUUUUUUUUUUUN_

The male whipped his head around to stare out the window. No one was there. It was his imagination. "He really hit my head hard if I'm imagining him all the way out here."

Rampo rolled off of Izaya's lap and all the way over to the gameboard. He moved pieces around and placed the black queen in the center before knocking it over. "Oh?" Izaya's lips curved upward in a mischievous grin. "Are you helping me now? You might be right though. It's time to talk to _him_ , isn't it? Unfortunately, dear Ram-Chan, I can't take you along on this trip. Are you going to be okay on your own?"

Rampo curled up in the corner as if he were a cat and yawned. He shooed Izaya away with his hand and grabbed a blanket. "No need to insult me," Izaya pouted. "I'll come back soon, unless, well, they kill me?" he smiled and skipped off. The knife still in his pocket. The nasty smirk still plastered on his face. It's time to visit the mafia. Mori should be expecting him any minute.


	4. The big boss is an acceptable monster.

There was a lot more glass in this building than he expected. The leader of Port Mafia must be someone similar to himself. That was his initial thought process. But, between Dazai and Mori, Izaya found himself liking Dazai a significantly more amount. The more he stared at the end of this long table the more he loathed the sight of the small girl. It reminded him of Shizu-Chan walking the streets with Akane. It sickened him. The Port Mafia had been his favorite gang to uncover. Now? He found himself nearly gagging. 

"Izaya Orihara," Mori began. "I'm sure you think you have the world underneath your fingers. You're starting fights with a lot of big leagues despite being just one man."

"Fights?" Izaya shook his head. "I'm not starting anything," he spun his finger around, "I'm just stirring the waters." Izaya stood up and walked towards the window. He held out his hands and glared at the view. "Do you like humans, Mori-san?" 

"Should I?" 

"I love them." Izaya turned around to face him. He folded his hands behind his back and swayed on the balls of his feet. "I love humans so much. Whether they bleed, or love, or hate, or die, I love them all the same," his face contorted into a hideous expression. "I love predicting their every action and watching what they do. I love uncovering secrets, Mori-san, the deepest darkest ones that no one wants anyone to discover," Izaya ran across the room, jumped with a front flip and landed on the table right before Mori. "I know your secrets, Mori-san, and I know what you're going to do. I know that you have guards posted in the shadows of this room. I know that Akutagawa-kun and Chuu-Chan are standing right out that door to ambush me when I leave because you think I'll threaten you. You know what I know. You know that with a simple rumor I can topple Port Mafia to the ground and the lack of control scares you. You haven't seen someone so scary since staring at yourself in Dazai-kun and you don't know how to react to a threat so new that's so dangerous." 

Izaya cupped Mori's face in his hands. "And I love you because you are human. This palace you've maintained is one of the very few truly human things left in this world. You know the dark parts of humanity and don't rely solely on your ability. I like you, Mori-san."

"I'm not sure I return the sentiment."

"Whether you do or not, I love you all the same," Izaya stood up and turned around. He placed one foot directly in front of the other and pretended to stand on a beam as he walked across the table. "This city is held in a delicate balance. The Guild is virtually destroyed so they don't hold much of a threat. Fitzgerald is living a fairly normal corporate life. The Agency is close to your heart so you won't go against them any time soon unless you're backed into a corner. You don't even really want to attack the Rats either. There is trouble within your own organization that you're focused on. It would be a shame if someone were to..." Izaya pretended to lose his balance, "interrupt that delicate relationship you have with your people." 

"Are you threatening me?" 

"Hm," Izaya stood on the chair and rocked it so it stood on one leg. He balanced himself delicately on the back of it. "I'm not threatening you. No, I'm telling you what you're going to do. The Agency is going to try and offer you an alliance. The Rats are too. Why? Because they both find me just as unnerving as you do. You're going to refuse them and tell them to leave me alone. Because I can cause each organization to crumble with a simple rumor. Not just yours. This city would fall into royal chaos. You can't allow that to happen. You love this city more than they do. You protect this city." Izaya hopped and the chair broke into smithereens. The crash caused the door to be opened and the guards hiding in the shadows to reveal themselves. Akutagawa's Rashomon threatened to bite Izaya's head off while Chuuya was posed to strike. 

"Stand down," Mori ordered. 

"Boss?" Chuuya's eyebrows furrowed. 

"Stand down," he said more firmly. 

"I knew you would understand," Izaya ducked under Rashomon and over to Akutagawa's ear. He whispered something and the ability disappeared. "I'm taking your loyal dog here for a while, hope you don't mind. Please consider what we talked about. My words are a dangerous thing," Izaya's eyes gleamed in the darkness as the door closed. Just as he said, Akutagawa followed him out. 

"What is his ability?" Chuuya walked over to Mori. "Did you figure it out? Is it mind control?" 

"Chuuya," Mori shook his head. "I wouldn't allow yourself to think about him too much. You might fall into his trap." 

"Are you going to listen to him?" 

"He isn't giving me a whole lot of options," Mori leaned back in his chair. "What kind of hell hole did that man crawl out of? Have you found anything on him yet?" 

"Nothing, Sir. It's as if he doesn't exist." 

"No man doesn't exist somewhere. Keep looking." 


	5. As expected, they try to work together.

Three men sat on different sides of a triangle bench in the museum. Dazai. Mori. Fyodor. Each one loathing the idea of working with the other one. But, each one knew that it was impossible to avoid. Dazai holding both of their hands, to avoid an outbreak of abilities in this building of art. Or, maybe he just liked the idea of holding two hands. Who knows for sure? 

"What are we going to do about that bastard?" Dazai asked, eventually, after enduring too many hours of silence. There wasn't anyone in this corner of the museum. He was tired of having nothing happen between the three of them. Not that this was his ideal triangle to be in, but the least that could happen was a more eventful situation. Staring at the same painting was getting tiresome. He could only come up with so many reasons for why it was hanging on that wall. The longer he thought about it, the longer he wished he was the art piece. What a news article that would be...'man claims he is a work of art and hangs himself in museum.' Remarkable. 

"Nothing," Mori and Fyodor said at the same time. One because he didn't take kindly to the threat, the other because he wanted to utilize his information network. Which one with which motives? I'll leave that to your imagination. 

"Now I know you both are just shitting me," Dazai snapped. "You can't honestly expect me to believe you enjoy this guy around, do you?" 

"I like him," Fyodor replied. "In a sickening way, I like him." 

"He is threatening the peace, there isn't much I can do," Mori answered. "Not much you can do either, he has your beloved detective."

"News travels fast, I see," Dazai frowned. 

"It does when he is controlling the news," Fyodor moved his hand to adjust his hat. Dazai held his other one tighter. "This is the first time someone has held my hand," Fyodor admitted. "You know, without practically exploding." 

"Don't get used to it." 

"Now, now, what if I want to fall for you? You won't let me, Dazai-san?" Fyodor chuckled lightly. 

"As much as I appreciate the two of you getting along," Mori rolled his eyes, "none of us have actually come up with a satisfactory plan for him yet." 

"And I doubt you ever will," Izaya poked his head out from behind the wall. He waved and walked over. "You three just aren't cut out for teamwork. You remind me of a group of kids I used to know. In any case," he held a book in his hand to show them. "Do you know what this is?" 

"Rampo-san talked about that before..." Dazai squinted. "Doesn't it send you into the book?" 

"Yes, and I've had a special story written for you three," Izaya winked. "Have fun!~" 

"What? Wait!" But Dazai was too late. Izaya had already opened the book for the three of them to get sucked into. He smiled and shut it. 

"You sure are an evil little devil, aren't you Mr. Orihara," Fitzgerald's voice rang in his ear. He turned his head and grinned. 

"Me? No, of course not, I'm just teaching these monsters a lesson in the simplest of ways. I won't cause too much trouble with them at the same time again." 

"Somehow, I find that hard to believe."

"Thank you for your darling Poe," Izaya waved and went on his merry way. 

...

"Where is this place?" Dazai groaned and rubbed his head. It looked like a school ground but not any school he had seen before.

"Hello," Izaya, well, not Izaya but a younger version of him in a school uniform waved. "You must be the new students. It's my job to show you around." He turned on his heel and opened the door. "Welcome to Raira Academy." 

"Wait a second," Fyodor reached out and touched Izaya's hand. Nothing happened. As he expected, their abilities were useless here. Not that Dazai's would've been any help in a place without abilities. 

"Do you have a question?" Izaya asked. Even as an imitation, this Izaya was just as annoying as the real one. 

"Dazai-kun, do you know anything else about these books?" Mori crossed his arms. 

"I believe they're mystery novels. So any second and-" a loud scream cut Dazai's words mid-sentence. 

Izaya turned his head in the direction of the noise. "Excuse me, but I think we'll have to cut our tour short," he rushed up the stairs in the direction to observe the damage done. The trio looked at each other and followed him every step of the way. 

" _IZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAA-KUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!"_ a loud bleached blonde with a desk above his head growled at Izaya. 

"Shit!" Izaya opened the window and jumped out. He landed perfectly and ran as fast as he could. The blonde threw the desk out the window and followed him. 

"Come back here you murderer! I'm sure you did it!" 

"I guess everyone has their own Chuuya-kun," Dazai shuddered before opening the classroom door. A body dressed in black with its head just a few feet away. There was a black puddle pooling by the head. "Oh! How miserable!" Dazai rushed to the body and held it in his arms. "Such a beautiful woman was to die! And she couldn't have waited just a few moments for me to die with her?! What a shame!" 

"Dazai-kun," Mori pointed at the books on the desks. The male placed the delicate beauty back on the ground and stood to pick one up. 

" _No Longer Human_ by Osamu Dazai," he read his own ability's title. "What is the meaning of this?"

" _Crime and Punishment_ by Fyodor Dostoyevsky," Fyodor picked up his own book. 

" _Vita Sexualis_ by Ougai Mori." Mori raised an eyebrow. "I must say, this title never sits well." 

"Is this some kind of joke? Turning our abilities into books while we are trapped in a book?" Dazai skimmed the pages. His eyes catching something he has only ever thought about. 

_I thought, "I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame... All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin._

Dazai dropped the book and took a step back. "That's impossible. How can one man know so much about us? To the secret thoughts that we've never confessed?" Fyodor and Mori placed their books down, not wanting to risk a similar reaction. 

"That man is a godforsaken enigma. There wasn't any information on him. What is his ability anyway?" Mori looked out the room's window. They were here, with a body, and no clues as to who or what could've done the murder. They knew even less about the man Izaya Orihara. 

"You three are the transfer students?" a male in a lab coat looked at the three. He ignored the body all together as if it was never there to begin with. "My name is Kishitani Shinra, feel free to call me Shinra though," he smiled. 

"Don't I look a bit old to be a transfer student?" Mori pointed to himself. 

"This is a book, remember?" Dazai rolled his eyes. "The main characters are transfer students. We are _all_ too old to be students." 

"No, no, of course not, you two could be college ones at least." 

"Why is _that_ your concern?" Fyodor shook his head. 

"Are you three concerned about the body? Don't be," Shinra laughed, "she is one of the seven school mysteries. I wonder why there are seven? There are always seven mysteries in a school. Isn't that strange? But, the secret is..." the headless body stood up and grabbed her head. "She isn't dead at all!" 

"If this isn't a murder mystery than what is our purpose here?" Mori raised an eyebrow. "How do we get out of a novel that doesn't have a mystery?" 

"I guess that means this either the wrong mystery we are meant to solve, or we just have to wait until we finish the novel," Dazai draped his arm around Shinra. "So, Shinra, why don't you tell us a bit about the school?" 


	6. Being trapped in a book without a mystery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> discussion of suicide

"I can introduce you to all sorts of people," Shinra giggled and led the way down the hall. "But most of them are ones you absolutely do _not_ want to get involved with. There are seven mysteries in this school: The Headless Woman, Heiwajima Shizuo, Orihara Izaya, Dollars, Yellow Scarves, The Slasher, and the Orihara Twins. The twins are a bit debatable though, they're only a mystery because they don't make sense to anyone." 

"Which one is the most dangerous?" Mori asked, just for clarification. If he was going to find out all about these weird mysteries, he should at least know this much. 

"Hm," Shinra placed his finger on his chin and closed his eyes for a moment. "Orihara Izaya. That guy can definitely get inside your head. The others usually keep to themselves but Izaya-san is like a parasite," Shinra folded his hands and interlaced his fingers. "He makes it a point to get into your business without you noticing at first and then by the time you do notice, it's too late." Shinra closed his eyes briefly and sighed. "His favorite hobby is to take the other school mysteries and force them to fight each other. Like how children take beetles and have wrestling matches? Or, do children not do that anymore? I don't know," Shinra shrugged. "People are weird." 

"How rude, Shinra," Izaya dangled from the ceiling. He was hiding in the vents to avoid Shizuo. Stylish move, but a bit dusty. "I'm not a parasite. You're reading too much of that manga lately. How many times do I have to tell you I'm human? I don't have a Migi." His mischievous eyes scanned the trio but ultimately rested on Dazai. He dropped from the ceiling and stood before him. 

"I'm Orihara Izaya, nice to meet you. I don't think I actually gave my name earlier, my apologies." 

"Izaya-san, I already said I would take over the tour," Shinra pouted. 

"Then you take the other two, I want to talk to this one," Izaya shooed him away. 

"No," Fyodor refused. "If you're the most dangerous we aren't going to leave him alone with you." 

"Aw, how sweet, are you concerned about me?" Dazai made a heart with his hands. "I knew under that fluffy hat of yours there was a person that had a heart." 

"His words are venomous, Dazai-kun, and even if our abilities don't work that doesn't mean his is the same way. He wrote himself in for a reason," Mori warned. "And he seems to know how to get to you the best out of the three of us. Did you forget about the book?" 

"Yes, yes," Dazai grabbed Mori and Fyodor's shoulders and pushed them forward towards Shinra. "Have fun!~ I'll be fine. Don't worry about me," he smiled a not-so-reassuring grin and the trio was down to two. 

"Thank you for trusting me, I suppose, if I need to thank you for that," Izaya grabbed Dazai's hand and led the way to the roof. He stopped briefly at the vending machine to get two coffees (two, so he could hand one to Dazai) before they reached the top of the school building. 

"Why are you interested in me?" Dazai asked. He watched Izaya balance on the side of the roof, occasionally taking a sip of the can. There was no fence, which was odd, did this school not care about people sneaking up here? 

"I've never quite spoken to a suicidal person before." Izaya shook his head. "No, more correct to say a person obsessed with suicide, right? Is there anything, in particular, you'd like to do before you die?" 

Dazai remained silent. There had to be a reason for this conversation. A clue, perhaps? Or maybe this information obsessed bug was just insistent on torturing him. For now, he'd have to play along. "Something I'd like to do? Like what?" 

"I guess that's a no?" Izaya hopped off the ledge and pointed to himself. "Then, would you commit double suicide with me?" he grinned. Dazai wasn't sure if he was being serious, but even if he was being serious, his answer was still the same. 

Dazai formed an X with his arms. "Absolutely not." 

"Oh?" Izaya started walking in a circle around Dazai. "Why not? I was hoping we could toast to our first meeting and our eternal farewell to this world," Izaya lifted his can and threw it off the roof, in just the right fashion, so that it would land in a recycling bin. Talent. Pure raw talent. Or, lots of practice. 

"I only wish to die alongside a beautiful woman."

"What if I wore a wig?"

"No." 

"For someone that wants to die, you don't really want to die, do you? I'm sure you've had plenty of chances in your life to die. You've even tried a couple of strange methods but never followed through. Do the people around you care about you? Why haven't they tried to stop you? Does someone like you even have people that care? Fluffy Hat and Red Scarf seemed mildly concerned, but was that sincere? Or were they just protecting their own self-interests?" 

Dazai remained silent. 

"Hm, so you don't want to answer that. Fair enough," Izaya stopped right in front of Dazai. "What do you plan on doing after you die, if you ever manage to?" 

"Are you talking about the afterlife? Does a guy like you even believe in such things?" Dazai scoffed. 

"Do you?" 

"Oh come on," Dazai laughed. "Why would I care what goes on afterlife if I'm going to kill myself? Believing in a world after death is a right reserved for the living. Either that or you have to have done some major philosophizing about death. You can't just choose death because you're hoping the world after death is better. To die means to become nothing. It's not the pain that disappears, it's your existence. There is no love in that type of death and that's wrong, you must love death. You must pay your respects to nothingness." No. Dazai was playing his game. He had to stop. Don't get enthralled by his words. Don't respond sincerely. That's not like Dazai in the slightest. 

Izaya held his stomach and cackled. He laughed and he laughed and he didn't understand what he found so amusing. Perhaps it's because those words felt familiar? This must be the reason that he couldn't hate Dazai no matter how much he tried. He felt the most human, despite claiming to be human no longer. "What is it people think about when they choose death?" Izaya wiped away his tears and took a deep breath. "I don't understand it. It's because I don't understand it that I want to know the reason. I hope you aren't offended by me asking, Dazai-kun." 

"Do you believe in the afterlife?" Dazai found himself wanting to know. He was angry at himself for asking the question but he couldn't avoid it. Was this part of the script for the book? 

"I suppose me asking you for an answer wasn't enough to let that question slide," Izaya placed his hands into his pockets. "I don't. So to be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of death. I want to live as long as I can."

"You? Afraid of death? Then why do you get on so many people's bad sides?" Dazai shook his head. He couldn't fathom it. This man was a strange one. 

"I simply love humans," Izaya shrugged. 

"I'm fairly certain when I say this," Dazai paused, "but I don't think humans love you at all." 

"They don't love you either, isn't that why you haven't found your beautiful suicide partner yet? No, even if you did find one, I'm sure you'd talk her into living. You delectable hypocrite." 

"What?" 

Dazai blinked and Izaya was incredibly close to him. He placed his hands on Dazai's face, pulling him down so they could stare into each other's eyes. He smirked, the most ominous grin Dazai had seen on him yet. "You claim to seek death, wanting it, loving it, becoming closer to it. But, you're just as afraid of death as I am, Dazai-kun. If you truly wanted to die you wouldn't have followed your natural instincts to live. You don't want to die, Dazai-kun, no human does. You simply don't want to live in a world with unfair rules. You have no reason to live, no greater purpose, nothing to search for like every other human and so you fool yourself into thinking you love death. That death is your purpose. And yet, the closer you get to death, the more you manage to live." 

Izaya grabbed Dazai's hand and dragged him over to the edge of the roof. He pushed him, holding his arm, hanging him off of the edge. "Look at the ground, Dazai-kun, it's exhilarating, isn't it? Do you feel your heart beating faster and your nervous system taking over? The human-driven survival code. This is the closest to life you'll ever get." Dazai turned his head away from the ground to catch a glimpse at Izaya's expression. Still filled with humor, eyes still gleaming with enjoyment. "I know everything about you, Dazai-kun." 

"Are you going to drop me?" 

"Drop you?" Izaya looked genuinely surprised. "Why would I drop you? I'd much rather watch to see which method you prefer. You don't like pain, do you? Why would I be so mean as to drop you?" Izaya tugged Dazai's arm and pulled him back up onto the roof. He brushed his shoulders to smooth out Dazai's coat and put his hands back into his pockets. "Humans are full of surprises. Always surpassing my expectations. I may toy with people's lives but it's not as if I enjoy killing people with my own hands." 

"What is your ability?" Dazai asked. 

"Well, that's the mystery, isn't it?" Izaya eyes gleamed and he made his way towards the door. He waved without looking behind him and left Dazai there. 


	7. Paradox of Heiwajima

"Oh, they're on the roof," Fyodor held his hand above his eyes to block out the sun so that he could take a look. 

"That's not exactly a safe place to be," Mori looked up and squinted. "Do you think he'll really be okay?" 

"You sound like a concerned parent." 

"I am a concerned parent, thank you very much," Mori crossed his arms. "I really like Dazai-kun, you know? Even if he doesn't care for me." 

"The three of us are quite similar. In the way we think, I mean," Fyodor lowered his hand. "Do you think that's part of the reason this 'Izaya' wants to target us? Is he also like-minded?" 

"That could very well be a possibili- is he going to drop him?" Mori frowned. "That doesn't seem right." 

"Do you really think he would fall? I'm sure he has already thought up a number of ways to escape." 

"You have a lot of faith in Dazai-kun but you are overlooking the fact he doesn't necessarily want to be alive," Mori sighed, shaking his head. 

"Let's just make our way to the roof." 

"Hey," an angry bleached blonde approached them from behind. "Have you seen a flea? About so high and has a terrible face?" he motioned beside him for the height. 

"That's a mighty big flea," Mori said. 

"I'm pretty sure he was talking about a person. It was an insul-" Mori shot Fyodor a glare. "Oh, were you just being an asshole? Apologies." 

"We're new to the school and don't know everyone. Could you be a bit more specific?" Mori crossed his arms. 

"He doesn't follow the school uniform guidelines and wears red shirt. Ah, sorry, I suppose I should introduce myself. Talking to people isn't really my area," he scratched the back of his head and sighed. "Heiwajima Shizuo." 

"Isn't that the guy Shinra mentioned being a seven wonder?" Mori muttered to Fyodor. 

"Why are you trying to be discrete? He can clearly still hear you," Fyodor pointed to Shizuo who was trying very hard not to throw something. 

"He is telling people about me again?" Shizuo gritted his teeth but relaxed. "I suppose that makes sense. He does want to be a doctor or something. I'm just one of his patients."

"What do you mean?" Mori was immediately intrigued by the word 'doctor.'

"I have 'anger' issues, to put it simply," Shizuo sighed. "You can ask Shinra about it for a better explanation but he thinks it's something to do with the body's natural response to danger. Like a mother lifting the car to save her baby or something..."

"I see," Mori grabbed his chin for a moment to think. "Your body increases adrenaline when you're angry and unlocks your hidden potential each time you're enraged? Before you know it you're reacting in extremes without thought for the consequences. That must put a huge strain on your body. How are you so physically okay?" 

"I'm not exactly the smartest person but I think that's along the same lines of what he said," Shizuo placed his hand on his hip. "I have broken my bones so many times since I was a kid and it first started so they're super strong now or something." He gritted his teeth again and clenched his hand into a fist. "Which reminds me, that damned flea pinned a crime on me and now I'm labeled as a delinquent. Where the hell is he? Asshole." The more he thought about the 'flea' the more his rage took control. His face created a stern glare but it wasn't intentionally aimed at either Fyodor or Mori. The two glanced at each other and watched as the guy picked up the nearby vending machine with his bare hands and threw it, with great precision, at the school's door. Izaya dodged swiftly. 

"Now, now, Shizu-chan, can't we at least be civil in front of the new students?" he chuckled. 

"IZAYA-KUN!" Shizuo readied himself to run and dashed straight for him. 

"I guess not. The person you're looking for is on the roof, by the way, have fun!~" Izaya said as he ran from Shizuo. 

"What an interesting ability," Mori continued to watch Shizuo run after Izaya. 

"I don't understand." 

"Don't understand what?" 

"Heiwajima-san is clearly an individual that hates him with great passion. Why include him in this novel?" 

Mori remained silent for a moment. "I have a feeling we don't fully understand the man yet but we can think this over later. Let's go find Dazai-kun." 


	8. He Doesn't Exist

Dazai sat curled up in a ball on the roof. He held his ears and rocked back and forth slightly, trying to ignore everything that Izaya had just said. He gritted his teeth and frowned. He was right. Most of it was incredibly true. But, he couldn't think about that right now. The mystery was Izaya's ability, that's what he said...sort of...but what kind of ability gets inside someone's head with such precision? 

"Dazai-kun?" Mori appeared beside him, resting his hand on Dazai's shoulder. Dazai didn't look at him. 

"I don't get it. I don't get him," Dazai frowned. "He said he loved humans but what type of weirdo like him-" Dazai stood up and clapped his hands together. "That's it! That's it, isn't it?" 

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Mori shrugged and shook his head. 

"He said he loves humans but when I told him humans didn't love him he said 'they don't love you either'... I think," Dazai rubbed his temple. "He didn't deny it." 

"What does this have to do with anything?" 

"If you're a snarky know-it-all that just gets the truth of your personality slammed into your face, do you agree? No. You ask a rhetorical question or turn the subject back to the person who gave you those cold hard facts. He got upset with me for seeing through him, and made it about me again...saying I wasn't loved either." 

"I'm also not seeing the point here," Fyodor interjected. 

"What if his love for humans has to do with his ability somehow?" Dazai's eyes lit up ever so slightly. "Did you find out anything more from Shinra or meet any of the other wonders?" 

"We met the guy that hates him, if that means anything," Mori said. "He doesn't have an ability like ours but he does have abnormal strength. He picked up a vending machine like it was nothing." 

"Reminds me of a guy at the Agency," Dazai chuckled. "Wait, he hates him? Why include a person that he hates in this novel? No, wait, that makes sense...if he loves toying with humans and doesn't particularly like killing them with his own hands he wouldn't want to alter the person's personality...since he loves them so much. No, maybe it's simpler than that. Maybe because he loves humans and knows that they don't love him...instead of taking out their hate he left them as they were. Does the hate have something to do with his ability and the love he has for humans?" 

"He can get inside someone's head but you don't particularly need an ability to do that," Fyodor walked over to the side of the roof and sat down. "I convinced someone I had an ability that I didn't have and they killed themselves just to prove they were in control." 

"That's it," Dazai pointed to Fyodor.

"What's it?" Mori asked. 

"What if he doesn't have an ability? He is just toying with us because we believe he does. Think about it. All of the 'school wonders' are otherwise fairly normal, minus the headless woman. That guy you said hated him didn't have an ability, just an abnormality. Plus Izaya's obsession with humans. He didn't make this school up. He wouldn't have because he loves humans too much to make fake ones. He compiled his research to make these people as close to their originals as he could manage. These people exist, so why haven't we heard about them? There is only one explanation." 

"They live in another city?" Mori offered. 

"There are only two explanations," Dazai corrected himself. 

"Humans are actually a lot more freaky even without abilities?" Fyodor gave it a shot. 

"There are only three explanatio-" Dazai huffed and pouted. "Guys, just let me talk. Please? He isn't from our dimension."

"What?" Fyodor and Mori asked in unison. 

"Think about it. If that rage man existed for us and was in another city...we would've heard about him somewhere. Even one news article should be able to make it worldwide since he is so incredibly abnormal. So, if he is a real person but doesn't appear anywhere...he has to be from somewhere else. I'm sure you two tried to find information on Izaya, no? You couldn't find anything because he doesn't exist." 


	9. An Unlikely Deal

Izaya stared at the book in his hand. There was a slight whirring and the people he threw in there came out once again. "That took longer than I thought," Izaya smiled. He placed the book down beside him and crossed his legs on his seat. "You've figured it out." He stated as a matter of fact, given the obvious nature of them not being trapped any longer. 

"You don't have an ability," Dazai stated, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

"You also don't exist here," Fyodor continued. 

"Congratulations," Izaya clapped. "Allow me to reintroduce myself," he placed his hand over his chest. "My name is Izaya Orihara. I am an information broker that often spends his time wandering the city of Ikebukuro. I love humans," he smiled, making a heart with his hands. "But I hate monsters," his eyes narrowed, staring at each of them. "Including Shizu-chan," he clicked his tongue in disgust. "And this city has too many Shizu-chans," Izaya stood up and stared out the window. 

"But that isn't your issue," he shrugged, chuckling. 

"What exactly was your purpose in telling us this?" Mori asked. 

"It's no fun if I tell you," Izaya laughed. "But, I suppose I will, eventually," he grinned. "Or maybe not. I haven't decided yet." 

"You're so annoying," Dazai rolled his eyes. 

"Says you," Izaya took a step forward and poked Dazai's cheek. His eyes staring straight through him. "You think you're so indestructible," Izaya moved his finger down to poke Dazai in the chest. "But you hang your feelings out on your sleeve, you know?" Dazai stared back at him without saying anything. Izaya spun around and grabbed Mori's shoulders. "And this one here is just a pervert," he laughed. He spun around again and stood in front of Fyodor, staring at him, grinning slightly. 

"And you," he began. "You are very interesting indeed. Your motives are unclear, but are they? Or have people just not done enough digging yet? Would you like me to tell you what your ability is?" His eyes revealed slight amusement. "It's not quite what people would believe, is it?" He laughed again and took a step back. "You see, I have more than enough knowledge on all of you simply because you were mere authors where I'm from," he smiled. "And authors are humans." 

Izaya pointed to his head and tapped his temple. "There is so much data up here. Wouldn't you like to know about it? The secrets to your enemies' abilities. The insight you never realized because how could you? They're secrets so deep inside each one of you that it would be impossible to draw out," Izaya held his hands apart as if he were about to grab hold of a small ball. He stared at his hands, almost tempted to laugh, imagining the world hovering in between them. 

"What exactly are you asking to be your payment?" Mori asked. 

"I don't like being here the same way you don't like me being here," Izaya shrugged. "I'll do you a wonderful favor if you find a way for me to get back to where I'm supposed to be. This isn't my story. I'm not an author here." 

"You want to go home to a city that hates you?" Dazai raised an eyebrow. 

"Not much different from here, is it?" Izaya smirked. "I still have toys to play with and things I've left unfinished. I'm sure you understand. Or did you forget about your promise to Oda?" Dazai visibly flinched. "You're not an angel or a demon. You're entirely grey, so you must be able to understand, no?" Izaya tilted his head. "All of you are," he looked at each one of them. "Morally grey, so to speak. You should have no qualms with a mutually beneficial relationship." 

"I do want this demon to leave," Mori said. Fyodor and Dazai both were in agreement with that statement. 

"Then, we've come to an arrangement?" he smiled, clapping his hands together. 

"Yes," the three said in unison. 


	10. Just as Strange as the First Time

The relationship went simply. Izaya wrote down everything and anything he knew on the particular individual (author) involved and gave that file to whoever requested it. They would take that knowledge and use it as a personal guidebook to that individual's brain. How they thought could be devised from how they had lived. It wasn't entirely accurate in all of the ways, but it was considerably helpful. After receiving the file they'd offer up a bit of what they'd learned about how to get Izaya back home. None of the information was very useful, but eventually, a pattern developed. 

Izaya stared at the diagram he'd made of all the small tidbits. There were abilities he could request be used. There were small hints at people being spirited away. There were a bunch of useless tidbits. And then there was something Izaya hadn't thought about until now. 

"What happens if I die?" Izaya muttered to himself. "Do I get sent back home? Or, do I die for real? An afterlife isn't something I particularly agree with but...doesn't that mean this is my second chance at life? How much time do I really have here?" 

Izaya stared at the spot on his wall, unsure of if any of it really meant anything. He finished up his last file and left in on the desk. "Should I risk it?" he asked himself. "I got here on strange means, surely I can go back? But what if I go back and find my body dead? Then will I die? There are so many variables." He ruffled his hair and exhaled a long sigh. 

Rampo sat up, staring at Izaya, and pointed to something very specific on his chart. Then, he plopped back down and fell asleep. "You're right," Izaya smiled, bending over to ruffle Rampo's hair. "I really should just give it a go, hm?" 

He wandered the streets of the city, trying to avoid all signs of harm as best as he could. But he couldn't avoid Chuuya, who had taken an interest in him. He was a Special Type of person that really aligned well with Shizuo. Izaya made eye contact but ultimately tried to avoid him. Even under Mori's orders, this guy was out to get him. He'd cast aside his hatred for Dazai and just funneled it all onto Izaya. Not very kind of him, if Izaya does say so himself. 

"You!" Chuuya pointed, starting to run after Izaya. 

"This feels familiar," Izaya sighed, running away from Chuuya. He made a few sharp turns but ultimately was a bit too slow. Chuuya rammed into him and he was thrown into the street. 

"This feels very familiar," Izaya frowned, staring at the truck about to run him over. He sighed. 

...

Izaya woke up in a hospital room. This didn't feel like anything he'd seen in a while. Mikado sat next to him. "You're awake!" 

"You? Why are you visiting me?" Izaya laughed. His chest hurt so his laugh subsided. So his body did survive the initial hit. Was that all a dream? Or did it actually happen? He decided it was best not to think about it. He was back home. Izaya stared out the hospital's window and smiled. It felt good to be back. 

"You don't have any friends outside of that doctor, you know," Mikado frowned. "I thought you might want someone to visit you." 

"Of course you did," Izaya chuckled again. "I'm so glad to be back," he smiled. 

"Back?" Mikado blinked, confused. "From where?" 

"Oh, that's a secret," Izaya grinned. 


End file.
